Weight Loss Plan - funny story

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.

Catch a Rabbit - funny story

Catch a Rabbit


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

cliff- funny story

A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking
the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to
the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that
cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the
ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to
the bar!"
"No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death."
"Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks
over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure
enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet
right in front of the bar.
"I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" .
So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches
the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar.
"Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!"
"Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second
fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to
fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.
The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink.
The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him:
"You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been
drinking, Superman".

stairs -funny story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
the car!"

Money ( funny story)

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Self-Appraisal (Nice story)

A little boy went into a drug store,
reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone.
He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone
and proceeded to punch in ten-digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation
:Boy: 'Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): 'I already have someone to cut my lawn.
'Boy: 'Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.
'Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance): 'I'll even sweepyour curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida.'
Woman: No, thank you.With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: 'Son... I like your attitude;
I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.
'Boy: 'No thanks'.
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have.
I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!'

magical wish

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole.The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first."The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine.The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

cofession by a baby

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year."Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.Letter 1Dear God,I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.Your friend,BobbyBobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.Letter 2Dear God,This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.Your friend,BobbyBobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.Letter 3Dear God,I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.BobbyBobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.Letter 4God,I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.Please! Thank you,BobbyBobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby's mother told him.Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.Letter 5God,I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!!!!